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This morning I heard on the radio that we are in the middle of the hottest heatwave in the UK for 47 years!
For the past few weeks the weather here in the beautiful West Country has been simply wonderful, but so HOT!’s
Everything except the trees have turned brown.
My lawn doesn’t have a blade green grass within it.
As I write this, the temperature in my office at 6pm, even with two fans switch to maximum, its still 29C.
Our bedroom is in the roof, and for the past few nights has been between 35C and 40C most nights, although it cools off in the early hours.
My usually clean and shiny Toyota was looking twenty-five years older than it actually is, and badly in need of a wash and a little TLC.
I had planned on taking it to the hand wash valet which is run by Albanians who take a tired looking car and do magic with it.
In just ten minutes they transform what is old and tired into a vehicle you would expect to see in a car showroom.
They offer a great service very inexpensively, but today there must of have been a queue of 35 cars waiting in line.
At that moment I didn’t have the time to wait. Mainly because I really needed to go to the bathroom, so I carried on driving towards my home.
Then, about a mile and a half out I passed an automatic car wash and couldn’t believe my luck, as there was absolutely NO one waiting!
I quickly turned in to the drive, paid and had the attendant started per-washing my wheels and windscreen as they normally did.
To say at that point, my bladder was full would be a HUGE understatement.
It was uncomfortable, VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
Not to worry, the car wash would only take a couple of minutes and then another couple of minutes back to my home.
Moments later I was driving into the automatic washer and the conveyor griped my wheels and took over.
All I had to do now was put the gear to neutral and let the car wash do the rest.
A few moments later my car was being thoroughly foam washed and the dirt and dust removed by rotating wheels of soft brushes.
This was a mistake!
Even in the wash the inside of my car was still like an oven.
The assault of water hitting the windows and windscreen now made my need for a toilet worse than ever.
As the foam was being washed away to reveal my lovely blue bodywork everything suddenly stopped!
It went TOTALLY dead!
Oh no, WHY NOW!
The jets of water completely stopped and the washing drums ceased to rotate.
What was I to do?
I presumed that the attendant would restart it quite quickly.
I was wrong!
The attendant didn’t even appear, and I sat there for I guess ten minutes, although it seemed FAR longer.
I had to go to the toilet urgently, I was now REALLY desperate.
So, I wound down my window and called for him, but he didn’t appear, I shouted at the top of my loud bass baritone voice.
In fact, no one appeared which may be wonder if there was anyone there.
I had to go for a wee and I had to go NOW and doing it in the car really was not an option.
I looked around and couldn’t see anyone, I called out again at the top of my voice and no one replied.
Okay, I thought the obvious thing to do is quickly jump out, empty my bladder next to the car, and get straight back in again.
It would only take 20 seconds.
No one except me would be any the wiser!
Now I know getting out in the middle of a machine sounds really stupid and was the last thing I wanted to do.
Please believe me, if there had been other choice, I would have taken it.
I had one more quick look around, shouting loudly and still no one replied.
So, as quickly as I could, I jumped out of my car and open the car door behind.
Now, if anyone had come to the entrance of the car wash they wouldn’t have been offended or known what I was doing.
I started to empty my personal tank which was wonderful and a true AHA moment, and can you guess what happened?
Right on Que!
Yes, you’re correct, the BLEEDING machine started again!
However, I was in mid-flow and so full I couldn’t stop.
Within seconds I was totally soaked, and so was the inside of my car.
As soon as I had finished I jumped back in the car and shut both the doors and the window and I despaired at my predicament.
I even wondered if this was God smiting me for writing that article about born-again Christians the other day?
When I got home my wife couldn’t stop laughing.
In fact, a shower and an hour later she is still laughing, cruel woman.
It could only happen to me!