CategoriesMoans and Groans

To pooh, or not to Pooh, that is the question!

Reminiscing, I think I must have been a particularly immature child and teenager as I particularly enjoyed toilet humour which made me laugh and smile.

Fifty years later, I find this fact quite ironic as now, and just a month from my sixty-fifth birthday, Pooh has become a very big consideration in my daily life, or more specifically, not poohing which is often the case.

Until eighteen months ago I could have boasted perfect bowel movement which occurred at virtually the same time every day! You could quite literally have set your watch by me and my movements which were predictable and as boring as watching paint dry. I didn’t realise just how lucky I was.

Then things started going wrong and immediately before Christmas I became so badly constipated I had to go to the hospital. Not passing anything for ten days or more was without a doubt, one of the most disturbing episodes in my entire life, and one which I obviously am not keen to repeat! Since that day, I pay EXTREMELY close attention to what’s going on.

Even though I have dramatically improved my diet, regularity has continued to avoid me as dexterously as a tax rebate. Sometimes I go for two or even three days without having a movement and emptying my bowl which is extremely distressing.

More recently, I’m not the only one to keep a close eye on my waste system. No, my kitten, slinky does also. He’s a lovely companion, and follows me virtually everywhere, especially when I sit on the throne making my eyebrows go red straining and pushing like a lady in labour. I like to think that as it can take so much time, he’s trying to keep me company.

I have learned that every day I should expect the unexpected. Tomorrow and for the next week, I may have difficulty going. Then, by complete contrast, the situation may completely reverse, and keep me at home and close to the small room.

You got it, no regularity or routine.

However, because the Dragon Lady is so clean and fastidious there is one condition that occasionally visits me and particularly distresses both me and my wife, and that’s the floating pooh! I joke you not, and for no particular reason, occasionally my pooh refuses to sink or flush. Instead, it bobs up and down on the surface like a cork. For no particular reason refuses stubbornly to flush or disappear down the aperture which adds to my levels of stress.

This just happened in the last few days, and on this occasion, my pooh became more buoyant than a lifeboat. I tried flushing it many times, but on every occasion it stubbornly resurfaced, perhaps it needed a little time? It only swelled and grew in size.

“Kev, Kev, look what you did,” said the Dragon Lady in disgust as if I hadn’t noticed and has some control over the situation.

“What you been eating?” She demanded to know.

“Polystyrene,” I flippantly replied, and she looked at me strangely.

“You’re weird!” She said as if she’d made a new discovery, rather than a fact we already were aware of.

There was nothing I could do but wait, and after four days and probably more than a hundred flushes, the offending turd lost the battle and was flushed and gone forever, but not forgotten!

Stay tuned for part two of the floating pooh, I’m sure it will happen again.

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